The Shrine

So some people actually liked last week's post about the [5 worst Zelda temples/dungeons], but of course there will always be people who are going to disagree with me. In particular, Amy Weston, a.k.a. Dokami, felt that there was a different temple that should be at the top of the list. I encouraged her in return to write a post about her dealings with this wretched temple, and thus I give you the second guest post of the AC chronicling her journey through her #1 worst Zelda temple/dungeon experience.

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Face Shrine is the worst.

Forget everything you think you know about Zelda temples. Normally I like Zelda temples, even when they’re insanely hard, or annoying or whatever. But there’s one dungeon that will live in infamy: FACE SHRINE! That’s right, in Link’s Awakening for the good old Gameboy. I don’t know where to start on this dungeon, so I’m just going to walk you through it, reliving all those horrible hours stuck in this gods-forsaken cave. Starting here:

That’s the mural on the wall in the SOUTHERN Face Shrine. It’s not the real dungeon, it’s just a three room thing where you fight this mini-boss and then go read this mural. Basically the mural says “This is pointless, everything is a dream that this giant flying whale is dreaming, and when you defeat all the monsters, said giant flying whale will wake up. Then everything will be gone. So what’s the point?” Then you get the key to the actual dungeon and the game sends you on your way. So, shrugging off the existential crisis that you just had reading that stupid mural, you head a little bit north to Face Shrine proper. There’s one problem though.

Oh! I see, there’s a cave on that peninsula! There’s also a bombable wall right here! So I’ll just...huh? This cave doesn’t go anywhere. What the heck. Maybe it’s underwater. I’ll dive around here and find the door. Dive. Dive. Dive. Hey I really wish this stupid flying mushroom would stop dropping bombs on me, I’m trying to figure this out here. Hmm, maybe there’s something on this island. OH CRAP! That armor guy came alive! FOUR HEARTS OF DAMAGE!? Aw I’m dead. And of course as I die I see the stairs this guy was standing on.

So eventually I get into face shrine. This can’t be too bad right? I mean, catfish’s maw, that was a hard dungeon, with all the keys. It was sort of like the water temple of Link’s Awakening. And nothing can be harder than a dungeon with a gazillion keys. So let’s explore. I think I’ll go left first, because left is for lucky! So I walk down a hallway and get to this room:

What the heck is THAT!? It’s like a big elephant statue. I’m gonna try bombing it! Nothing happens, killed that shyguy though. Maybe I hit it with my sword! Nope. Can I push it? “Wow! This is pretty heavy!” Huh? But I have the power bracelet you stupid game. Ah whatever I’m going to keep going.

You know, at this point I start thinking that this dungeon is getting really annoying. I hate skipping rooms because I can’t do anything in them, and I’ve skipped about 5 rooms at this point, and I’ve only been in here for like ten minutes. Eventually I’ve hit all of the dead ends in the west side of the dungeon and I still don’t have the ability to do anything to these elephant statues. Guess I’ll head east.

So I go back to the entrance and head right. And then, what the heck!? Elephants riding on conveyor belts!? There must be something important about this room, something I can only unlock once I get a better power bracelet. For now I’ll just walk past them though, glancing suspiciously at their enormous elephantine faces. Speaking of faces, for a place called “face shrine” I haven’t seen many. Maybe I’m in the wrong place...

I keep going, I get attacked by floor tiles, and I come to a dead end. Just a plain room with torches in the corners. Great. Maybe I’m missing something. I head back. Explore the whole dungeon. Wander around for hours. Days. I start dreaming about it.

Then one day I return to the dead end and I start slashing at the wall with my sword in pure desperation. CLANG! Wait what?

I’m free! And look, a mini-boss! I’m doing something right. I fight the little blob who throws a giant ball bearing at me and the warp to the beginning of the dungeon appears. Hooray! I must be real close to getting the better bracelet now! I head north. Hmmm, a room with more of these elephant things. Clearly I’m supposed to pick them up once I get the bracelet in the next room. North again!

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... ...

What? I think my game is broken. I just walked north and appeared back in the room with the wall I just bombed. Gahhhhh! Where is the stupid bracelet! Wander wander wander. At this point the music that I actually liked when I first got here is starting to sound like a demented first grader practicing scales for a half-fiend music teacher. When I hear it panning back and forth in stereo on my gameboy that only has one speaker I know that I have truly gone mad. The madness is confirmed when I walk into a room that has a path leading directly into the wall.

Could that be the bombable wall of my salvation? BOMB! Then I’m standing in a dark room. So I do what any self-respecting Dungeons and Dragons player would do, I cast, maaaagic missi—I mean, I use my boomerang, to attack the darkness like a complete lunatic, killing all the enemies in the room. Then I light the torches. And some stairs appear! Down the stars I go, stomp on some goombas to get hearts, up the other side, annnnnd...

I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to see a chest in my entire life! Elephants will now crumble before me! I am unstoppable! I am Link! Maaaahahahahaha! Then I hear that music again and despair, for I still have most of the dungeon left to complete...

Amy Weston has many nicknames and her own nerdy blog over at http://qquern.wordpress.com where she talks about astrophysics and D&D and gender constructs, which should not be confused with astral constructs.  She did eventually make it out of Face Shrine.  The greatest day of her life was the day she won a race through Ocarina of Time.  She is the god of the machine intelligences.

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I must agree with my friend here, the Face Shrine was a bit of a bitch, but when I was coming up with the list of 5 I neglected the portable Zelda games. Not because I didn't like them. So not true. I neglected them because I figured more people have played the console versions than the handheld versions (hmmm, I smell poll).

Also, I did not write that last italicized part, that was all Amy, but you should definitely check out her blog as well. Also, she totally wins for most images in a post yet. Do you have anything you want to say about this or anything? Feel free to contact me with a post idea, or to yell at me in capital letters, or whatever. No seriously, do. That's what this post came out of.

Play on.

[END TRANSMISSION]

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